Certainly not me or The Boy, although I'm pretty sure he's at least getting some amusement out of it. A perfect storm of ingredients has combined in a whirling maelstrom over my bedroom to make an Adam Sandler-worthy slapstick routine storm of epic proportions, with, apparently, highly comical results. This all culminated last night with me flailing over the dog, the hubby, the shoe rack and, almost, a fully loaded bookcase at 3 AM. In the dark. While really, really needing to pee.
Fact #1: I can't sleep on my back or stomach, apparently, during this whole preggo thing. So we rearranged the room so that my side of the bed was against a wall. Great for side-sleeping, really-- it gives me something to lean against and prop me up. Unfortunately, this also puts me on the inside of the bed. Ever had to pee while sitting in the window seat of a plane? OK, so I might only have one person to crawl over, but he kicks. The best I can say is that he probably doesn't mean to, since he's at least half asleep. So I usually try to clamber to the foot of the bed and dismount that way. All that gymnastics training from when I was seven is finally kicking back in. We are going to have to change this system very soon, for reasons which will presently be made clear.
Fact # 2: I am pregnant. If you've never had the misfortune of either being pregnant or sleeping with a pregnant person, here's a fact for you. We pee all the time. All the freaking time. Meaning, I might get up four times a night.
Fact# 3: Our dog is needy as heck. Right now, the rest of the family is on vacation, so she refuses to leave our sides. She drags her baby blanket into our room, and usually sleeps on it, but will occasionally sneak up onto the bed when The Boy and I have fallen asleep. The other night I woke up to her actually laying smack in between us, head half on my pillow and half on his. Most nights, though, she's content with sneaking up and laying on the foot of the bed.
Fact #4: Our room is very crowded right now. Basically, we're trying to compress a one-bedroom apartment into... one bedroom. Granted, it's a decently sized room, with a walk in closet and an attached bedroom, but we have lots of stuff. So our shoe rack is at the foot of the bed, and then there's about two feet of space, and then one of our four bookshelves is against the wall facing it. There's enough room to walk....barely.
Can you see where this is heading?
Suffice it to say... at about three AM last night, the kid started dancing on my bladder, so I pulled myself into a half-crawling position.. and into a minefield. I managed to step on the dog's tail, trip onto the shoe-rack while aiming for the floor, and barely catch myself on the bookshelf, which has a rather alarming top-heavy wobble.
Did I mention that my ligaments are loose, so sometimes when I stand up, my hip pops and it takes me a minute to get my balance? Yeah, both hips decided this would make a perfect time to try to get me to waddle like a duck.
I have never been more grateful for the...extra padding... I carry around on my backside. There might have been some cursing involved. I certainly startled both the dog and The Boy out of a sound sleep. The former started barking her head off, and the latter, after flipping on the light and making sure I wasn't bleeding or concussed and hadn't fallen on the bean, started laughing his head off. Apparently, he finds something about his wife sitting on the floor, blinking against the super-bright energy efficient halogen light-bulb with a four inch heel that had tried to impale her in one hand funny. Jerk.
(At this point The Boy would like you to know that he is, indeed, a wonderful, loving, caring sensitive husband who regularly loads and unloads the dishwasher and promptly gets anything smelly out of range of his very sensitive wife, and kisses the preggo belly and talks to it. Sigh. Fine. He's right. He also made the bookshelf less top heavy so it wouldn't fall on me. Sigh.)
I still had to pee.
Bleak But Beautiful by The Pioneer Woman
2 days ago